Waiting

on

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable.  He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might he increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

 I’m not very good at waiting, waiting for an appointment, waiting in a line up, waiting at a traffic light, or waiting behind a slow moving vehicle.  My impatience rears its ugly head as I determine that I would really rather be somewhere else, and in a much faster time frame than what I am dealing with in that moment.  But nothing has taught me more about the value of waiting, then waiting on God – whether it’s to bring something new into my life or to change some circumstance or to bring me that “special someone”.  In the five years since my husband has passed away, I have begun to realize how much of myself I had lost, how tired I was, and how much of my strength was gone.  I had given up my sense of worth and dignity to a relationship that was in many ways destructive even as I tried to honor God in it.  As I look back, I realize that the loosing of myself didn’t start with my late husband, I had lost myself long before I had met him.  During that lost time God had found me and I gave my life to Jesus. What I didn’t realize, was that decision wasn’t the end. God wasn’t done with me, in fact He was just beginning and I needed to wait on Him before stepping into new things.  Sadly, I didn’t wait.  Being in a relationship was so important to me, that I had to have it regardless of the cost.  As a new Christian, I knew relationships had to be treated differently, I just didn’t know how.  I didn’t want to wait, and I didn’t want to wait for God to change me into the kind of person who knew how to have a healthy relationship.  Needless to say, my marriage and the years that followed were nothing short of a disaster.  Waiting, I’m just not good at it.  So, now I find myself somewhat back into that same thought – it would be so nice to have a companion, someone of God’s choosing and not mine – someone with integrity, someone who loves God like I do.  Needless to say, I’m still waiting but now I have a choice, I can wait on God or I can run ahead and do this my own way.  I’ve chosen to wait, and being a person who can’t wait, this has been a huge struggle for me. I’ve discovered something very interesting though as I wait – I’m discovering me. I am gaining new strength, I am finding my worth and gaining back my dignity.  I am also finding that God has things to say through my experiences. I am writing again and He is teaching me. Through His grace and mercy, He has applied this verse to my life – He never grew weary of me, he never lacked the strength to see me through all the difficult circumstances that I have gone through, and he is showing me that one day I will soar like the eagle.

I wrote that in one sitting back in July of 2012 (it’s been revised slightly – a few grammatical errors – I was new at this writing thing.) – it is now May 2016….and I am still waiting. The time has past quickly in hindsight and through it all I have found more of myself, have traveled to other countries, and have gained a lot of the confidence I should have had a long time ago.  I am painting and writing like never before and reading and collecting books like I used to before I got married.  I still hate waiting, but at least I am having fun while I’m waiting.  I will never go back to that scared, insecure child I used to be nine plus years ago, I’d rather be alone then go backwards.  Whether I ever meet that special “someone” or not no longer makes a difference. I’m starting to grow some serious wings now, and it’s almost time to take that leap of faith – I can feel the wind calling me.

 

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